Seeing Red – Book 2 revised

While I was waiting for answers as to how to proceed with my existing material and querying options, I kept busy by revising and polishing up the opening scenes of my self published novels. I determined that whether I queried with them or not, they will be a major component of my ‘author platform’ and need to be as engaging and professional as possible. The second book in the series, Seeing Red, picks up where three Empty Frames leaves off. Literally. Not in the sense that the reader will be confused, but without anything dramatic to introduce the story. My female lead is in the car returning from vacation. Yawn. Right? Here’s the new opening scene to Seeing Red – Book Two in The Bucks County Novels.

Chapter One

Restraining order. Ethan Samuels couldn’t believe his ears. He sat next to his agent and across from his coach and his lawyer listening to the latter explain his options.

“Miss Evans is serious, Mr. Samuels,” he was saying. “Your coach here has a solution that might just be a little more palatable.” The attorney nodded at Coach Fielding. “Go ahead and tell him, Jeff.”

The coach leaned forward in his chair. “Ethan, it might be time for you to make a fresh start somewhere else. You’re at the peak of your career and very highly sought after. We have an offer on the table for a trade with Philadelphia. We think you should consider it.”

“Philadelphia?” he repeated. He grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia, had been a fan of the football team since he was a little kid. It would be like going home.

His coach nodded. “It’s a good deal, Ethan. They are in desperate need of a star wide receiver. You’re a perfect fit for the team. It’s a new coach, they drafted a talented young quarterback and you’d be the last piece of the puzzle to get them in playoff contention. You know as well as I do Tennessee needs to rebuild and we won’t be getting to the playoffs this year. Even if you stayed on.”

Ethan looked at his agent who smiled and passed him a sheet of paper. “They’re throwing a lot of money at you, Samuels. I think you should take it.”

His lawyer added, “And the Kelly Ann Evans issue goes away.”

Ethan’s vision blurred. He had thought Kelly Ann Evans would be the woman he’d spend the rest of his life with. He loved her so much. How could she do this to him? If she’d only give him another chance… “What if I stay?” he asked, without looking at the figures on the sheet.

His lawyer sighed. “You are not allowed within two hundred yards of Miss Evans. She has also threatened to tell all on the talk show circuit.” He paused and held up a finger. “But, she has agreed to stay quiet if you take this deal and leave her alone.”

His agent put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “This is your best option, Ethan. It’s a multi year contract with a nice fat signing bonus. You’re not going to get anywhere sticking around here.”

Coach Fielding added, “It’s for the best, son. In more ways than one.”

Find it on Amazon!

Agent Feedback

I finally received news from the second agent to whom I sent the first five pages of Three Empty Frames. Along with the material, I posed some questions regarding querying self published books. I had my suspicions confirmed. Here’s what she said:

“Agents rarely resell self published books these days. I think of it as your platform and what happened in the past. I’m looking to sell new, hot, fresh projects that publishers can work with from beginning to end. I would finish the series self published and then try traditional with a new project/series. Good luck!”

As you can imagine, I have mixed feelings. In one respect it feels like I’ve wasted my time and energy on all those stories. But in another, after three years and nearly half a million (!) words, I’ve definitely become a better writer. And both agents have had good things to say about the writing at least… It’s interesting to have another perspective on the beginning of the book. Here’s what she had to say about the opening scenes:

The opening quickly establishes setting and the dialogue strongly conveys a distinct dialect. The conversation appears to be setting up a frame narrative. Even though the reader gets backstory immediately, there’s enough held back (like the name of the love interest) to allow the reader to engage with the text. The narrative voice could be clearer—for a moment it’s somewhat unclear which man is on parole. The mystery of Joey verifying and looking into Mick’s story is intriguing, but it takes too long to get to this point of the story. The final scene didn’t pack enough of a punch for me. Jen, and the reader, seems to be ambushed by the announcement that two characters who have just been introduced are about to exit from the main plot. Lucinda seems to have a supernatural ability to anticipate Jen’s shift in thought. It’s interesting and complex. Good work.

She highlighted a few things that I already corrected but unlike the other agent who thought my dialogue was a little stiff, this agent thought it had ‘a distinct dialect.’ If you’ve ever had a conversation with an older, well-mannered gentleman, you will know that the way Mr. Dunne speaks to his daughter is accurate. I should know… I modeled him after my own father —a man who found himself with a baby daughter at the age of 55! So when I was in my late twenties (like Jen) he was in his early eighties! I was glad to have that bit of my writing validated. As for the rest of it, I will apply as best I can and keep it in mind for future projects.

Well, at least I get to delay the query process a little longer. I’m going to polish up Breaking Bread and put it out there before year’s end. That way I can start 2018 with a clean slate. As per the comments on my post the other day, I have some terrific suggestions on how to spice up the relationship between my two main characters and I’m going to dedicate the month of November to revisions. (Just like NaNoWriMo to keep me focused and disciplined). Then off to the editor and hopefully published before the holiday season. With the new year, comes a new (well not really new, just partially started…) project: my ‘historical’ novel, Here Lies a Soldier. Maybe I’ll finish it it time for Armistice Day 2018 – the 100th anniversary of the end of the Great War.

Bad Romance

Adventures in editing.

As I wait (still!) for answers from the second agent to whom I posed questions regarding the querying potential of my self published novel series, I have been keeping busy revising and editing the second book in the collection. Meanwhile, the fifth Bucks County Novel: Breaking Bread, has been in the hands of my beta readers for feedback. My backup plan is to pitch this book if the others in the series are untouchable, with the hope that if this one book catches an agent’s eye, then it might open the door for the other titles. 

My beta team is made up of 3 women and 2 men. Overall, reaction to the story was good. But like some of you who read it here on the blog, two of the beta readers thought the romance was lacking something. One of the women and one of the men agreed with some of the comments I received from you, my blog readers, that there wasn’t great chemistry between the couple. My male beta reader said it didn’t ‘sparkle’ the way the romances of the previous novels did. Obviously, I have some revising to do.

I admit to not feeling the romance between Maya and Brad myself, but I’m at a loss as to how to fix it. Does it need more tension? More heat? (FYI, I don’t write sex in my stories so it has to stay in the PG-13 realm. The four previous books were free of it and the romances worked without it.) Do they need more interpersonal communication? Or perhaps more internal dialogue to reveal what they are thinking about each other? Every romance needs an issue to resolve, something that prevents the couple from falling for each other immediately. After all, where’s the fun in that? 

I gave Maya and Brad two main issues work out. The first is that they’ve known each other as friends ever since they were kids. There is a history there that prevents Maya from seeing Brad as anything but her best friend’s brother. Although Brad has had feelings for Maya all those years, she never had any clue, nor were they reciprocated. Now as an adult, she has to begin to see Brad in new light: as an attractive man she could find love with in an entirely different way.

The second issue is that Brad has inherited a whole truckload of money and he wants to spend it on Maya. However, Maya is fiercely independent as a result of having no support either emotionally or materially from her family. She refuses his help even in little ways. It’s extremely frustrating for both of them. I thought… I thought… I addressed it pretty well about halfway in. 

Or maybe, just maybe…. the romance has to go.

Maybe I’m really not cut out to write romance. I may have exhausted my reserves with the other stories and I don’t have anything left to give these two. And I refuse to recycle the kind of thing I’ve already written. With some ruthless editing, I could still have an exciting mystery and the romance could just go away. Brad stays in Boston with his job and his friends and never even makes an appearance. Maya still has Olivia and Juan Paolo and Detective Jack Staley for company and finding love is not part of this novel. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it?

Any ideas, my friends?

Header image: Lady Gaga, video screen shot Bad Romance