Inhuman (3)

To read from the beginning, visit Part One and Part Two.

(3)

Cold. Amanda woke up shivering, which was just about the only movement she could make. Her arms and legs were strapped to the bars of a hospital bed and another strap across her chest made sitting up impossible. She was alone. The room was windowless, dimly lit and empty save for a lone metal chair and the bed in which she lay. How long had she been out? Where was she? And where was Brian?

“Hello? Is anybody there?” she called out. After a few moments, the door opened and a man walked in. She expected a doctor —that was the hospital bed, she supposed— but the man wore a well-tailored dark suit.

“Hello, Amanda,” he said with a smile. “Sorry about the restraints but we didn’t want you wandering aimlessly until we had a chance to talk.”

“Where’s Brian? Where is my husband?” she demanded, struggling against the straps holding her down.

His smile faded. “That is the central thing we need to discuss.” He took a step closer. “I’m going to take you someplace where you’ll be a little more comfortable. I need you to trust me, ok?”

Amanda nodded wordlessly. She wanted answers. No, she needed them. She would at least cooperate until she had them.

“My name is Nathan Bishop,” he told her as he removed the restraints from her feet. “Get up slowly. You might be a little woozy from the anaesthetic.” After releasing her hands and the strap across her chest, he stepped back to wait by the door. “Your shoes are by the side of the bed. Take your time.”

Amanda swung her legs over the side and gingerly stepped into her shoes. After she was sure she could stand upright, she took a tentative step toward the door. Nathan took her arm firmly —either for support or control, Amanda couldn’t tell which— and led her from the room. They followed a long hallway, interrupted occasionally by other solid doors with no indication of what lay beyond, until they reached an intersection and turned left. Shortly after, the tributary terminated at a pair of double doors. Nathan, till holding Amanda’s arm, stepped close to a small panel beside the door and waited while his retina was scanned. The doors slid open with a soft whoosh.

The room beyond was half conference room, half lounge, with a large oblong table and chairs at one end, and a seating area with three sofas forming a U-shape clustered around a low table on the other. It was to this second area, Nathan led her. A woman and another man rose as they approached. “Amanda, this is Lydia Castle and Alexander King.” They each offered a hand to shake. “Please have a seat,” Nathan said.

“Amanda. Where to begin?” Lydia said with a warm smile. “I’m sure…”

“Where is my husband?” Amanda interrupted. “What have you done with him?”

Lydia held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. “We have a long story to tell you. Please bear with us. You see, Brian… well he’s not who you think he is…” she paused, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. “In fact, he’s not even ‘what’ you think he is.”

Amanda felt the blood drain from her face and she gripped the sofa cushions for support. “What do you mean?” she rasped.

The man called Alexander spoke. “Amanda, Brian is… well, he’s a highly advanced… em… highly advanced artificial intelligence.”

The room spun. Nathan reached out to steady her. Amanda looked from one to the other to the other, trying to absorb what she’d just heard. “No. It can’t be…” she began. “He’s human. He’s as human as I am.”

Lydia shook her head sadly. “No, I’m afraid he’s not. Brian —or as he is officially called: SAIW-02— is property of the United States Government.” She hurried on as Amanda gaped at her. “Amanda, just let us explain…”

Alexander sighed heavily. “Amanda, throughout history, it’s been the military that has been the biggest driver of scientific innovation. Until recently, it’s been about developing the most efficient ways to kill. Bigger bombs, better targeting, stealthier planes. We already have the means to destroy this planet many times over. Now…” he lifted his hands and let them drop. “The focus has begun to shift.”

Lydia continued. “It’s about preserving lives instead of taking them. Keeping our military personnel as safe as possible. I’ll give you an example you’ll be familiar with: drone technology. We can send a remotely controlled drone to take out a target when in the past we’d send pilots in planes and risk them being shot down. If a drone gets taken out, no lives are lost.”

“The truth is, Amanda, our technological advances are far ahead of anything the public has dreamt up. The world isn’t ready for civilian applications of this kind of science,” Alexander said. “The SAIW program is the next step in innovation.”

“What does that stand for? SAIW?” Amanda asked.

“Strategic Artificial Intelligence Weapon,” Nathan answered.

“Amanda, your ‘Brian’ is an android super soldier,” Lydia said.

To be continued…

Fiction Writing Is Not a Roll Call

A common mistake many new writers make is to inundate the reader with unnecessary information or too much information all at once. In writing circles it’s called infodump. It might manifest as a roll call of characters, lengthy biographical history as each one is introduced, overly detailed scene setting or world building. It happens because writers want their readers to understand the context of unfolding events. While the writer’s intentions are good, it bogs down the pace of the story and it doesn’t leave the reader with questions that need to be answered by reading on.

Imagine reading this paragraph:

Jennifer Dunne was a 28 year old woman whose mother had just died, but since they never had a very close relationship, Jennifer was not able to cry at her funeral. Her elderly father was her only source of comfort growing up and she followed in his footsteps by becoming an engineer and going to work in his company. Jennifer has two best friends, Des and Joni, who she has known since grade school and they are as close as sisters would be. They all live in Doylestown, the county seat of Bucks County, Pennsylvania, which is an hour north of Philadelphia. (Are you bored yet?)

My first draft of Three Empty Frames wasn’t quite that bad, but I did an awful lot of infodumping on my first try at novel writing. The thing is… all that information eventually got included in the story but in small doses as the information became relevant to the plot.

One of my chief methods of incorporating detail into the story, especially the biographical history of the characters, is through dialogue. In the fictional world as in the real world, when people talk, they tell one another about themselves. When boy meets girl or girl meets girl or whatever, it is only natural for the pair to begin to share personal information. Even then, it wouldn’t be natural for the character to tell his entire life story, but just a few memories can reveal a great deal about the person and what makes them tick. The same is true with their conversational style and delivery. The way they talk will give the reader clues as to their personality without having to describe it intimate detail:

Jen was smart and loyal but guarded, keeping all but her close friends at arms’ length. Her sense of humor was sarcastic and as a result, she often offended people unintentionally. (Readers will figure this out on their own as they see how Jen relates to others; they don’t need it spelled out for them.)

The same is true of your setting. The location doesn’t need to be described in meticulous detail as the story opens. However, in just a few words, the scene can be set:

“It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen.” ~ 1984; George Orwell.

Just from that opening line, we know the weather and time of year but we also know something’s up because our clocks don’t strike thirteen. It’s only later on that we discover the full extent of Orwell’s dystopian vision, yet, the season and time of day are described clearly. And establishing place and time is an important feature to include within the first few paragraphs of a story. It orients the reader, connecting them to the fictional world. Nevertheless, the details can be saved for later. This includes the size of the town or its population, its proximity to another metropolitan area, the main industry of the region (if that even matters) and its infrastructure: busy highways, high-rise apartments, public transportation versus narrow streets, quaint houses and mountain views. Just an aside —the bit about ‘clocks striking thirteen’ is one of those mysterious details that compels the reader to continue. We should all aspire to create such a hook at the start of the story!

Things can get tricky when your story has a big cast of characters. In order to distinguish one from another, you might feel obilgated to write a lengthy biography to fix each one in the reader’s mind. But really, if the character is not central to the plot, this is irrelevant filler material. For minor characters, a unique and memorable name might be enough to set them apart from the main players. Some minor characters don’t even need to be named. For example, Jen might just refer to ‘her boss’ rather than ‘Harry, a fifty year old chief engineer in her department who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and is well liked by all his employees’. Seriously, who cares? Unless Harry is going to have a larger role later on, there is no need to expound on his qualities as a boss. Additionally, if you do have a big cast of characters, don’t introduce all of them in Chapter One. Bring each one onto the stage as their appearances become integral to the plot. For example, your mystery story might have a detective investigate the crime, but if the story is built around the victims of the crime then the detective doesn’t need to show up until several chapters in. A late introduction doesn’t automatically diminish the minor character’s importance to the story. While the main characters should be introduced early, so that the reader can establish a relationship with them, the rest of the cast can enter as they become relevant.

The tendency to infodump is a difficult one to overcome. Nevertheless, with awareness and practice it can be managed and mastered.

Wishing you happy writing and productive editing.

Header image via Vector Images

Inhuman (2)

You can find part one of the story here.

(2)

Amanda paled. “What do you mean, it’s like he’s not alive?”

Ignoring her question, the doctor hurried to the door and called for one of the nurses to come quickly.

Brian sat in stunned silence. He shook his head to clear it. “There must be something wrong with his equipment,” he murmured.

Amanda smiled nervously. “Yes, yes. Of course you’re right. It’s got to be some sort of malfunction.”

The doctor returned, a second stethoscope and sphygmomanometer in his hands and performed the tests a second time. Without a word, he shook his head in dismay. A moment later a nurse entered the room with yet another set of tools and a tray with syringes and vials. When the third examination yielded the same results, the doctor readied the syringe. “Bloodwork,” he said. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.” But as he probed for a vein, his look of concern turned to fear. “I can’t even find a vein. I’m sorry… let me just try…” he said as he found a spot and gently pressed the needle into flesh. “What the…?” he said, stumbling back. The needle had barely penetrated Brian’s skin. He tried another spot and another. Then the other arm but it was no use.

“What is it? What’s going on?” Amanda demanded, the doctor’s alarm apparent.

“There’s something under the skin. Some kind of barrier.” He sat heavily on his rolling chair and looked at Brian with awe. “Artificial limbs? Some kind of advanced technology? Experimental surgery? Something? Anything? Any way you can explain this?”

Brian shook his head. “Never even had my tonsils out.”

The doctor rubbed his hands over his face. “We need to run more tests. I’m sending you to the hospital.” He turned to the nurse. “Call ahead. Tell them the situation so they’re ready and waiting for him.” Then taking a deep breath, he continued, “There has to be a logical reason for these findings. We’ll get x-rays, a CT scan, maybe an MRI. The hospital is one of the finest in the country. You’ll be in the best possible hands.”

They sat, not speaking while the doctor typed furiously into his laptop. A moment later, the nurse returned to let them know a team of doctors would be expecting them and gave them directions as to where to go.

As Brian slipped his shirt back on, there was a commotion in the waiting room. “Excuse me a moment, will you?” the doctor said and hurried from the room. Amanda and Brian exchanged a look as the sound of raised voices, then shouting and doors slamming reached their ears.

“We’d better go see what’s happening,” Brian said. But just as they reached the door, it flew open and two imposing figures blocked the way. The men, at least they assumed they were men based on their size, were dressed in hazmat suits, masks and boots.

“You both need to come with us,” one of them ordered.

“But what…?” Brian began, before the other one cut him off.

“Everything will be explained. We need to go now. This is not optional.” And to emphasize his point, he raised his gloved hand to show them a gun.

Each man took Brian and Amanda by the arm and escorted them through the now deserted office. A third man stood guarding the door. After exiting the building, they were herded into a waiting van. Just as the door was sliding closed, Amanda turned back to see the man guarding the office pull of his mask and unzip the suit.

“What’s going on? Are we in some kind of danger?” Brian demanded as the van began to move.

The two men who had rushed them from the office now removed their protective clothing as well. The one holding the gun spoke. “No. We just needed a plausible cover to remove you from the office. The staff and the other waiting patients were told there was a noxious spill, and we were clearing the area as a precaution.”

“But why? Where are you taking us?” Amanda asked, her voice shaking.

“I’m not authorized to answer your questions. Please be patient,” he said.

“We were supposed to be going to the hospital… my husband…” Amanda began.

“We are aware of that ma’am. That’s how we found you. We been monitoring medical facilities on the chance something like this would happen. That’s all I can tell you. Please remain calm.”

“Remain calm?!? Remain calm?!?” Amanda cried. Brian tried to put an arm around her but she shook it off. “You need to tell us what’s going on and where you’re taking us, right now! Right this very minute!”

The two men exchanged a look and the one not holding the gun opened a small case sitting on the floor beside him. “We hoped it wouldn’t come to this.” He extracted a syringe and before Amanda could react, stuck it into the side of her neck.

“No….” she sighed as she felt unconsciousness overwhelming her. The last thing she remembered was staring up at the dome light of the van.

To be continued…