Random and raw

~ Meg

My brain is in a bit of a jumble, finishing up my latest project. So much to think about, details, details… It needs to be perfect. It’s never going to be perfect. I have so many random thoughts running around in my head….

Am I ever really going to feel like “A Writer”?  Yes, I’m a published author, but I wouldn’t be able to survive on the income from it. Is that what it will take?

Marketing. I have a BS in Marketing and right now that BS really does feel like bullshit. (That was before chiropractic school). I’m exhausted and overwhelmed by what I REALLY need to do to get my writing that kind of attention. 

Blogging might actually be making things worse. I’ve developed this schedule that my brain has started treating like a real world obligation. Like I get fired if I don’t write “this” for this day and “that” for that day. I’ve got it in my head that you all will leave me if I don’t keep it up. I watch some of you post once, twice, three times a day – beautiful poetry, heartfelt personal expressions, short fiction… I can’t measure up. 

The novel series… I have ideas for 3 more of them. What I really want to write is my WWI story. I can’t do both. How long can a series sit dormant before readers lose interest? 

I’m not reading. Not nearly enough, anyway. My reading challenge for 2016 is 25 books. I’ve finished 6. That’s pathetic. I have books by 4 fellow bloggers on my list. I swear I will at least read those before the close of the year. 

Sometimes I wonder what you really think of me? Do I sound confident? Positive and upbeat? Do you know that I worry? That I have panic attacks sometimes? That I fake being happy just so I don’t have to talk about it? Because I really don’t like to talk about it. Consider this the rare occasion I’m saying something.

I need to move. I hate the place I’m at right now. I have to think about getting out of here and I don’t quite see the way ahead. 

Just one final thought. I love you guys. I appreciate your friendship. I treasure the relationships I’ve formed here over the last ten months of blogging. Don’t go away, ok?

Published by Meg

Easily amused, never bored and constantly distracted. My creative pursuits include writing, drawing, painting and photography.

68 thoughts on “Random and raw”

  1. Wow Meg, you mean you’re actually a real, live human being?!? (Well, yes, I can confirm this.) Thanks for showing us this other side to you. I am sorry for your feelings, but I do understand them. This past week I’ve been dealing with the awful feelings of worthlessness, that I don’t wish on anyone! This is why I started blogging to begin with, to shed all the faces, and layers of bullshit. The support here has been truly amazing.
    You know what you want to do – the WWI story. You need to do it!! Write it, read more, do whatever makes you happy. Keeping up appearances over here is simply that.
    Sending you a big hug, and just know that your true followers will always be here, ready for the next leg of your story. 🙂

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    1. Oh thank you, love. Yeah I’m kind of a mess the last week or so… I’ll get over it. I do need to reset some priorities I think. And I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling… I guess what we put out here doesn’t always show the whole story. Well, aren’t we a pair! Hugs gratefully accepted and returned with enthusiasm! Thanks for being a great friend, sweetie!

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      1. You will absolutely get over it, as we all do, and it’s always nice to know we’re not alone. It’s been a week, but hey! – today is technically a new one, right?
        I’m not supposed to show the whole story here? Oops. Thanks for the hugs, have a sangria! I’m always here if you’d like to chat. 🙂

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  2. Meg,
    I completely understand your feelings on this. I’m writing this on this damn tinyass keyboard on the phone…but I didn’t want to wait until I can get to an adult sized keyboard. So forgive the horrendous errors that will probably show up.

    I think, sometimes too, that if I don’t post something everyday people will leave…but the reality of it, is we won’t. Maybe a few “likers” might but, the people that stop and take time to comment won’t. We’ll miss you and wonder where you are, of course. So relax, breath and let life happen.
    You should try something I’ve done for a while….get a twitter account and work on some of the writing prompts there. They are small exercises that keep your writing skills sharp but don’t feel overwhelming. They scratch the itch to write and keep you on your toes.
    And here’s the really great part..you feel like you’ve done writing for the day..and if it’s really good, you copy and paste here! Done! You’ve seen some of mine…they can be quite deep
    They light fires sometimes, and that’s great.
    But you must absolutely let yourself relax about this place.
    You don’t sound whiny…you have insecurities like the rest of us. We all do.
    Your not going to lose people who care. And I can promise you won’t lose me.
    As for posting more times than one a day…it happens. But not a lot for me. And I can tell you, I’ve had the same amount of anxiety about keeping up with those blogs as far as comments go
    I used to worry that if I didn’t catch everything someone wrote that they would stop reading and comment on mine…you know what? If that happens, so be it. I’ll be sad to see them go…but honesty I have no hope of keeping up with the blogger that posts 3+ times a day!!!! Life just says, nope.

    Wishing you peace and much love

    Eric

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    1. Eric, thank you. It means so much to hear such a thoughtful comment. I’m my own worst enemy sometimes. Ah, that’s life. It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. I realize some of my insecurities are irrational and I’ll work through them. I’m grateful for friends like you who understand. May all the peace and love you send out come back to you hundredfold, my friend.

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  3. Sorry you’re having crisis of confidence. I’ve been there professionally. Fearing that you don’t measure up or can’t compete is a debilitating feeling. I hope it passes and that you get time to relax after the book is out. Best of luck! Sending love and positive thoughts your way!

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  4. I agree with the others…of course we know you have real life emotions…you’re human! And there’s no need to hide them! I appreciate the whole gamut, I love it all, a whole person.

    As for the writing and crisis of what to do and how to fit it all in – I can so relate. I want it all and I want to fit it all in!! I get overwhelmed and simultaneously feel as if I’m not accomplishing ANYTHING! And then I feel like what I am producing is rubbish, because I’m not devoting the time or effort into that I wish I could. Sooner or later, my heart tells me what to do. And my brain has to live with the fact that I CAN’T do it all, all the time. Dammit! Lol

    Anyhow…you’re not alone, and I vote for doing whatever your heart wishes for, whatever makes you happy!

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    1. Thank you, Kay. What you said there… putting out rubbish because you haven’t given the time to it! Yes! Exactly! Why have I given myself these self imposed deadlines, assignments and obligations? Questions I’m pondering right now. I love to write, but the minute it turns into “work” I lose that joy. And that’s what I have to fix. Amongst other things! Again thank you for your thoughtful words!

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  5. I’m not sure what to add to what’s already been said… plus what you already know I think and feel. Eric is right in everything he said up there. I have been going through similar but different bur similar feelings lately, as I mentioned in that post I did a few days ago. I stress myself out about blogging, too, and that’s not what it’s supposed to be for. But yeah, you see the people who post several times a day… all the time. I can’t even keep up reading all of that! I certainly couldn’t post it! (And hey, you don’t want to be a’downpour’ anyway, right?!?)

    I never feel like I measure up either… and you’re much higher up that ladder than I am! I don’t know if this helps, but while you’re trying to measure up to some arbitrary standard, someone is trying to measure up to you. I’m sure of that. You’ve done so much! I have written nothing of consequence or significance. You’ve published… collaborated… and tons more.

    I haven’t read a single book since I started blogging! I have a stack that I got for Christmas… haven’t opened a single one. I used to read one a week!

    I think you often sound confident and positive and all those things. But I also think that no one feels those things all the time, if at all. It’s often “easier” to fake it. (Some of us are not very good at that…!)

    Take my thoughts as you will… because I can say all sorts of stuff that sounds great but I can’t even do any of it myself… but I’ll say it anyway. If you want to work on the WWI story, do it. If you want to blog less, do it. Do what you want to do. I have learned that really the goal should be doing what makes you happy. (I have not even remotely put this into practice, mind you, but I’m a whole different kind of fucked up.)

    I also have a BS that is bs. I have no job… I am going broke… I hate the place I’m in and have no idea where to go or how to get there. I’m sure I’m not helping at all. I seek support but I suck at giving it. 😦 But you are not alone. And when someone I admire (that’s you) reveals any feelings at all that I identify with, it makes me feel less alone, too. And maybe even a little less fucked up.

    And like so many wonderful people told me recently… do what you want to do… say what you want to say… don’t say what you don’t want to say… and those who care about you, love and admire you, are true friends… they will be there. You know I will be here. Seriously, where the hell would I go?

    much love — s

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  6. Oh, I can see you leading up to pulling away some from blogging. That literally causes my stomach to feel queasy. I don’t want you to go, I want everything to stay the same. But, of course that’s not going to happen!

    Blogging is an aid for you because you want to write books. It’s a way to give and get information, connect with potential readers, other authors, publishers, etc. It has become almost a job for everyone who posts regularly, I bet. But, of course you must do what’s best for you and your goals. I’ll miss you being here everyday but I’ll read whatever you write, whenever you write. I’m sure most of your followers will do the same! ❤

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    1. Thank you, Diane. You are awesome and I value your friendship so much! I won’t disappear. I would feel too cut off, I think. I am still deciding exactly how to go forward. And maybe once the book is out there, I’ll feel better about things. Thank you again. ❤️

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      1. Good, don’t leave completely! I don’t even know why it bothers me so much! I’m somewhat trying to figure out where to go with blogging. I feel like you and Al and Drew all use blogging as a tool in writing. Blogging was my end game, I really didn’t have any aspirations to publish anything. But then it kind of becomes what is the point of blogging? So I’m rethink 😦 the time I devote to this…

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      2. That’s it exactly. It can devolve into a complicated social media platform. Which is fine, if that’s your aim. Nothing wrong with making friends and sharing ourselves with the world! I’m happy to have your feedback as a reader. I’m totally using your blurb, by the way. I owe you a cut of the royalties. Now you can get that candy bar you’ve had your eye on! 🙃

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  9. We’re not going ANYWHERE! You are amazing. We all worry and I sometimes feel the same way in regards to posting stuff daily and afraid you’ll all leave me. Sometimes life gets overwhelming. We have to take a breath and appreciate where we are and what we have. A big hug from me Meg!

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  10. Ditto on EVERYTHING said above by everyone else! We’re not going anywhere. I am constantly amazed at the blogging schedule you keep. I am lucky if I post once every few weeks. I am so in awe of so many talented bloggers that it actually keeps me from posting – wondering if my stuff is good enough. Your writing is consistently amazing – – but you need to do what YOU love. If that means scaling back on the blog, so be it. As a very wise meme says: You can’t please everyone. You are not pizza. (or wine, or chocolate – insert your favorite vice here) 😉
    (p.s. glad to hear you’re human)

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    1. Thank you, Rita. I’m resetting my priorities so that I can keep a more manageable schedule for blogging vs novel writing. July and August are going to be some big downtime months. I am grateful for your friendship and words of encouragement! ❤️

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  11. Hi.
    I’m new to your blog but I know of you from my blog partner, B.

    I too am struggling with a bit of this this weekend. It only proves we’re human. There are good days and bad. Days when we have unwanted emotions we wish would go away but they too need to be given their chance to surface lest they erupt at unexpected moments.

    By sharing, we allow others to be of comfort and support. It is in this way we bond and form friendships. We weren’t meant to be a one in this big old world and life certainly can be lonely enough with the busy lives we lead.

    Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself with us. Please know you are not alone. Best wishes for better days and withwith your many aspirations. Hugs ☺ 🌷

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  12. Gosh, don’t go, Meg! I don’t understand how anyone can post every day anyway, I can’t! I post on average twice a week, and that’s often a push. And never mind trying to keep up with everyone else – who has the time? No, you’re like the rest of us – not enough hours in the day. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and slow down.

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  13. WOW! We are so much alike. For me, it’s been similar. And the guilt of not publishing further bogs you down. That’s why I had to stop Story continuation. BW’s admin responsibilities don’t make it any easier. I’ve even made things more hectic by taking on more stuff. But you know when you say things like “you’ve got your priorities right’, its a huge relief. I guess you need to take your own advice. 🙂
    In fact that’s exactly what Anand and I were discussing in a mail earlier last week. He was going through exactly this, and then three days later I was in the same frame of mind.
    We both came to the conclusion that we’ll do what we can, when we can. Why do we write or blog in the first place? It’s for us first, right? Don’t forget that. Don’t let that reason change. Don’t let the enjoyment of writing become a chore. (Me a novice giving advice to a published author! Waaah!)
    Okay, no advice. That’s the one thing published authors would do better. Sending you reassuring hugs instead.
    Self -doubting, over-exerting , spreading ourselves too thin – Sisters we are, indeed! 😀 😀

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    1. You do have your priorities right, I should listen to my own advice and mostly to my own heart and my own instincts. I find myself worrying too much about what others think and it’s causing me to second guess my writing and writing related decisions. Thanks, Sis! We’re all in this together!

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  14. Hi Dr. Meg! We completely understand and we love you. We’re not going anywhere. I’ve been wondering how you’ve had the creative energy to keep up the pace of your blog in addition to reading and writing (and working your “day” job). Whether it’s writing or remodeling I’ve learned there’s no such thing as perfect. Once you embrace that fact it’s quite liberating. There’s something else I wanted to share but now I don’t recall what is was. Aaaaaahhhh!!! Oh, I know! I learned this from my teaching practice and it has helped me with life: Creativity is not outcome-based. It’s all about the process. Karl Lagerfeld does not keep any of his sketches. ANY. Someone else comes by and picks them out of the trash and archives them for Chanel. That is how process-based his creativity is. Quite frankly, I think he’s a creative genius. I’m blabbing about this because if you focus on the process instead of the “perfect” outcome it frees you from fear and allows you to master whatever it is you are working on. Also, if you focus on the process you will create more because you won’t have an end goal that will dictate that creative process. I hope that made sense!
    xo Whitney

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    1. That is an interesting approach – Lagerfeld’s – I keep everything. I have a “deleted scenes” folder and notebooks full of all my “raw” ideas. Perhaps its different for writing… But I get what you’re saying. Being goal oriented can take some of the freedom and enjoyment out of pure creativity. I will say this, no matter how much I plot and plan in advance, I have never completed the story I start out writing! I suppose that’s a little like what Lagerfeld does. But even though I scrap my plans I don’t trash them completely.

      This anxiety is undoubtedly connected to getting the book published. I set a deadline for that, too. Again, self imposed stress. I am taking a deep breath and making a list with my priorities in descending order. And taking away the time constraints. That I think, will help me feel better. You are one of my longest followers, Whitney! Thank you for being such a loyal and supportive friend! xo

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      1. Thanks Dr. Meg! I feel the same about you. A prioritized list is a great idea. Besides, you wouldn’t be the first author to ask for an extension. Even if you’re just getting permission from yourself. 😉 xo Whitney

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  15. I think you sound human. I believe that everyone has days when doubts and concerns pop up. And times when they have difficulties juggling the various things they want to do. I think staying positive and time management are things that never go away. Please don’t think I’m being defeatist. I believe we need to regularly devote energy to those things. I’ve certainly had my frustrations from doubts and time management, and I’m sure those frustrations will come again. To me, the idea is to have reminders of projects that did work out. And things that help ease your mind — like friends and taking a break from writing.

    As for a blogging schedule, I’ve come to be flexible about it. You mentioned there are people who blog multiple times a day. I’ve also seen authors who only post when they release a new ebook. I don’t worry about a rigid blogging schedule, since it’s not going to happen with the rest of my life of family, day job, and fiction writing. Hey, I took 6 months off blogging and people didn’t forget me. They won’t forget you if you don’t blog every day.

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    1. Thank you August, I’m very glad we connected. You are meeting me during a crisis of confidence I’m afraid, and yet here you are with outstanding level headed advice. The universe gives you what you need, apparently! Anyway, I am at the cusp of launching the new book and for whatever reason my anxiety is really high. More than for the previous books and I’m not sure why. I love the story, the mystery part of it is probably the best I’ve written to date. And here I am falling apart. Thank you for listening and having sound words of advice. I’m much in your debt. 🙏

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      1. You’re very welcome, and no worries about being in my debt. I’ve recently had crushing anxiety about writing and am trying to work through it. There’s something to be said for taking a deep breath and pushing through. I’m very, very glad you love your story. Hold onto that as the doubts try to drag you down. Remember that you’re growing as a writer. Those are victories to fight against the doubts.

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  16. Meg, well I can see the extraordinary response you have received. I admit that blogging can often feel like a burden and those are the times that I slow down and try not to worry about it. We all are real people with real lives and blogging is just supposed to be a safe place to release some emotions and expressions. Once it becomes a burden or an obligation, then it is exactly the opposite of what it should be. What I will say is that some of the best people are here and they can actually become very good friends. Take your time, breathe deep and try to not be so demanding of yourself. Life goes by so very quickly and all we can really do is enjoy the moment in front of us.
    Love, M

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    1. Thank you. Yes, you are right, of course. Part of the reason I started blogging was for this very purpose – to connect with other writers, other creators who understand the struggles and the joys of the craft. I treasure these relationships greatly. Spilling blood on the page, so to speak, is often easier for me than having these conversations in person. I am going to slow down a bit, read more, enjoy the summer. Thank you for your kind words and sound advice, Mr. M. Maybe I’ll even go see the Wyeth exhibition… 🙂

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  17. I can so relate to what you mean, I always have wondered how some bloggers are able to blog 3-4 posts in a day when I am unable to manage even 3 posts a week! I feel guilty a lot for not posting more often. Oftentimes, I end up doubting myself f I am capable of doing this or not. I struggled a lot with it as you may be aware, but as of now, I am learning to accept that as a part of me. As in, there are only so many things that I can do in a 24 hour period. considering that, I think that you are already doing a lot…a full-time job as a Chiropractors, 3 published books and the 4th one almost ready to be published, your blogs and from what I see you regularly post, the collaboration initiative with Kevin so on and so forth. You must feel so accomplished after all of this!
    As I often repeat, to me, you are an inspiration, my mentor! Good luck with everything, I am sure you will work it out, until then, I will be here waiting! 🙂 ❤
    Hugs! ❤

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    1. Ah it’s the struggle between wanting to grow the blog – which obviously means devoting precious time to it, and “professional” writing which in the end is my ultimate goal. Striking the right balance is the key and I think I’ve just been too heavily weighted down with one over the other recently. Once the scales are rebalanced, I’ll be ok! Thanks, love! For being a wonderful friend and an inspiration to me! ❤️

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  19. I blog infrequently and feel I should post more. We don’t judge the amount of output only the output matters. I have been posting my life story in chunks but 1965 is proving a pain not just because I’m trying to remember what I did when that year but my laptop is being temperamental and the draft is stored on it. Of course the help desk is only open when I’m at work so I don’t get a chance to call them. If only I knew someone at work who could fix it for me…

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  20. If I’m one of those people you’re looking at posting once a day, know that I write several posts a day and schedule them. Often, I write an entire week’s worth of posts (or more) on Friday night.

    Do what works for YOU and we will still be here, cheering you on 🙂

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    1. Thanks, Jay. I am feeling better about things already. Doing something positive yesterday – working on the book’s cover- felt like real progress. I appreciate your input! And the idea of writing a few posts all at once is a good idea. Thank you!

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  22. I think there’s a lot of us who can identify with how you feel. I love being a part of the blogging world but at times, it drains me. So I step back – I post less, I visit less – because even in the online world I’m still an introvert at heart. And let’s face it – all that blogging takes away from writing the stories that we want to share. Anyway, hope things are improving for you.

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    1. Thanks, Deb! That’s so true. My offline writing has definitely been getting neglected… Time to reprioritize! I am feeling better after a relaxing couple of days and a little progress on the latest book!

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  23. Just here to say I admire your vulnerability and honesty. Two qualities imperative for connection. I think you are kickass and I’m so glad to know you and your writing. We won’t be going anywhere. Do what you need to do to find harmony amongst all your creative expression. The ones who matter will be waiting. 😉 ❤

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  24. All of your fans get it, Meg…you can’t get rid of us—we’re like cockroaches! But, “Booze Tuesdays” are required for a lot of us, so I hope you have the perseverance to toss a cocktail or two our way when you’re up to it! Take care and write when you damn-well feel like it!

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