Writing romance in the #MeToo era

~ Meg

This is not a political article.

I stumbled upon a Twitter feed yesterday that made me think… Are books, TV and movies giving men the wrong ideas about how to approach women? How does it usually go? The hero meets cute girl at the grocery store/park/gallery/whatever, is immediately attracted and pursues with great (creepy) enthusiasm. He is relentless and she finally acquiesces to his charm. Sigh… True love!

Here’s what happened to the young woman on Twitter. She’s walking her dog in the park. Dog stops to sniff near a bench where Man is sitting. He makes friendly gestures, offers dog one of the pretzels he’s eating, smiles at Girl.

“Beautiful dog.” Man

“Thanks!” Girl

“Haven’t seen you around here before. You live nearby?” Man

“Um, yeah. Not too far.” Girl

“Nice, me too.” Man

Blah, blah, conversation about the weather….

“Are you single?” Man

At this point girl is getting nervous. He has left the bench and stands nearby. He’s waaay too familiar. Touches her arm. Moving closer, invading her space.

Still she tells the truth. “Yes, I’m single.”

“We should get together sometime…” Man

“Ummm” Girl. “I have to go.”

Girl leaves, walks along park pathway, stops to answer a text from a friend. Finds Man behind her. Now she’s scared.

“Hey, I thought you had to go.” Man says with a grin.

“Just answering a text.” Girl

Anyway, she got away safe. Was a little freaked out and plans on taking the dog on another route for their daily walk. My point is, isn’t this a typical scenario for a romantic comedy and/or romantic novel? The woman is reluctant, the man is relentless and in the end they fall madly in love. What we, as writers/film makers, are reinforcing is this idea that creepy behavior wins the girl! Now believe me, I love the idea of instant attraction and that intial spark of chemistry that transmutes into life-long love. But… How do we write that without sending the wrong message?

Isn’t this the exact same formula that romance writers and film makers repeatedly use? It never occurred to me that it was a ‘thing’ until I read the experience of this young woman. Even though I’ve never used a scenario like this in any of my stories, I still feel like I need to reevaluate the way I approach romance in my writing. As a woman and an author I feel like I have a responsibility to write creatively but with conscience. If we women write this kind of story, aren’t we telling men that this is what we want? What say you, fellow writers? This is important stuff….

Published by Meg

Easily amused, never bored and constantly distracted. My creative pursuits include writing, drawing, painting and photography.

118 thoughts on “Writing romance in the #MeToo era”

  1. You’re making an excellent point. Only the misguided man or woman does not recognize boundaries and I don’t think they learn from Romantic novels. If a woman or man is not wary of the overly enthusiastic behavior they may be placing themselves in danger. Thanks for bringing this up for discussion Meg; Food for thought.

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    1. Thanks Holly, and I also think times have changed and the world in general has become more dangerous. The chance encounter with the handsome man or the pretty woman leading to the happy ending versus the risk of putting oneself in harm’s way. It will effect the way I write budding relationships from now on.

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      2. Exactly. The innocence is lost. Now you go on a first date only after searching the prospective person online, and maybe even running a background check! 😲

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    2. I feel for the majority of decent guys out there who may wrongly be lumped into the category of ‘stalker’ just because they make a move on a girl…. really tough times right now. This post makes a fabulous point about perception within this writing ….

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  2. I read this on twitter a couple of days ago. I remember the story vividly. I think I agree that modern romantic stories (comedies in particular) like to portray the guy getting the girl because of persistence (even in the face of her wishes).

    I have to admit I have thought about it a lot since I read it. And I’ve come to the sad conclusion that a few rotten apples doesn’t spoil the whole bunch….is unfortunately a farce and doesn’t ring true for those in the position of concern.

    Men must behave, and I mean all of us, in a manner that respects personal space, body language and concern for the other person’s anxiety level.

    Honestly I feel the days of walking up to someone on the street and initiating conversation with the goal of romantic involvement is over. It just can’t continue.

    And I keep trying to figure out how my own scenario would have gone if 18 years ago I would not have walked into the Hallmark Store where my wife worked and tried to be charming and asked for her number…. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know how we could have met otherwise. And I have all the beautiful years she and I have spent together and my two wonderful children as a result of my boldness.

    I think the answer lies somewhere in the simple thought…that if she had protested my interest in her. I would have immediately apologized for my behavior, asked for her pardon and immediately vacated her presence never to bother her again.

    I think that’s where the problem comes in. Men have lost (or don’t care to have) the ability to read signals and understand that if someone says no (even if it is no, thank you) it means no. Pursuing someone against their wishes is not the behavior of a gentleman and no matter how many times hollywood tells us different, we must honor their wishes.

    Sorry for the wall of text. Like I said I have been thinking about this a lot.

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    1. I have too, Eric! The comment thread was enlightening as well. Especially from the men who realized they had acted this way (not to that extent) in talking to a woman they had just met. Times have changed. And you are right about boundaries: recognizing when it’s not ok to pursue the issue. As a writer, I don’t want to contribute to the problem! PS – I am so glad you got her number! 💜

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    2. You hit the nail on the head with this: “I think the answer lies somewhere in the simple thought…that if she had protested my interest in her. I would have immediately apologized for my behavior, asked for her pardon and immediately vacated her presence never to bother her again.”
      I’ve heard men recently lamenting “can’t we ever speak to someone we’re attracted to anymore?” My answer is “of course you can!” and something similar to your paragraph. Knowing when they’ve crossed a line and stopping is the key to it all.

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    3. Eric, You put it right in there; respect for the feelings of the other person. As writers, we can handle this issue by showing that if the woman says no, then the man goes on. We should help women by showing that not all men are so respectful, and how they can learn to beware. It’s as great plot line for the bad guy so the good guy comes in to save the day. I know, it is the white knight plot line, but you were the white knight to your wife back in the day and that is the type of romance I believe in.

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  3. You make good points here. I’m not a romance reader or writer, myself, but in film and elsewhere–yes, that’s the standard scenario and it’s one many women would find creepy in real life. I typically think of the romance novel as a woman’s guilty (or not guilty) pleasure. But there must be men who read them; certainly there are men who are invited to read them and watch romantic plots in TV and movies by their girlfriends/wives. Are we inviting the men to act like that by sending the message that this is what romantic pursuit looks like? I think any responsible writer has to take a closer look at the message being sent–especially in this age of #metoo.

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    1. Thanks, Rebecca. That is exactly it! Hopefully creativity will generate alternate ways for our fictional characters to find each other and fall in love without reinforcing that unhealthy/aggressive approach! I want to write in good conscience.

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  4. I think you’re onto something here, in a sense. I agree with Holly, that only someone with questionable motives or intelligence is unable to read cues about boundaries, or ignores them. But yes, story lines are very repetitive in tv, film, and even books. I’m not a writer, but as a reader, I’d prefer to see a story with more substance and growth between the characters, not some cliche and/or borderline creepy concocted nonsense. Pursuing someone is one thing, with dignity and class and respect towards the pursuee. Brow beating and nearly stalking is a whole other thing.

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    1. And in giving it some thought, I realized (at least in the past, even the recent past) women writers of romance novels are the ones coming up with many of these scenarios. I have always read Nora Roberts, for example. She doesn’t write this way so much now, but in her books from the 1990’s, the female lead always started out hating the guy who was attracted to her. But ‘chemistry’ happened and they ended up falling madly in love. Often after the male lead grabbed her and kissed her against her will. That does not fly in this day and age!

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      3. I can’t believe it has taken this long for women to get fed up with this shit. And it’s almost ironic that Hollywood was the final straw. And maybe that’s one good thing to come out of having a mysoginistic dipshit in the White House. Numb nuts epitomizes all that is privileged and entitled.

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      5. Yep. Crazy. I think it’s long overdue. The 60’s were a season of change. But the 80’s seemed to make everyone forget the progress, it seems. Can’t believe the shit we still have to protest and detest. 😕

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  5. I think that we’re living in the era of compromised communications skills, brought on by the era of the smart phone. Part of the reason for the lack of correct interpretation of positive interaction between two people is due to the lack of interpersonal skills – again, the smart phone era and social media. People today don’t call, they text. They post. Facial mannerisms, vocal inflections, nuances of the human eye – are lost. I disagree with Eric on the point of approaching someone to try to meet them is over. I’ve approached – and have been approached on many occasions. This is not an act of aggression, nor is it inappropriate. If rejected, I would simply thank her for her time and leave. The issue is the person who will not stop trying to initiate, and that’s the problem. What of asking a person to dance at a night club? While I think that there are monsters out there – Weinstein et al, there are people trying to find that true love without the assistance of yet another smartphone app to help them. Sorry for pontificating, but in closing I’ll attach a link of what Catherine Deneuve had to say about it:

    https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/01/10/576986585/-metoo-movement-has-gone-too-far-catherine-deneuve-says

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    1. Thanks, Rob! You’re not pontificating! I read that article regarding Catherine and the other French women. I think they make some good points in the respect that clumsy flirting should not be put in the same category as sexual assault and that accusations should not be equated with guilt. And you are right about the way we communicate in the modern age. You however, know when to back off and I believe some men don’t get that message. Especially when it is a man in a position of power: your boss, your editor, etc. when refusing advances might have consequences. In your example of asking someone to dance at a nightclub, if they say no, you as a responsible man, thank her and walk away. The nightclub scenario goes sour if man asks woman to dance, she says no and he follows her around all night buying her drinks. Anyway, I’m talking about how we as writers have to think deeply about how we portray healthy romance within our work. I neither want to contribute to or gloss over the problem!

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      1. Sorry for hijacking, Meg. I do understand that there are predators and they must be called out. I would simply deplore the day that most men are painted with the same brush. I would say that you should write from your personal perspective, and that would be the most honest and appealing way to reach your readers.

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      2. No apology necessary! I don’t want to see all men portrayed the same way either. And the sticky issue is how to get past those uncomfortable initial forays into a relationship? The time when a woman might be wary and a man needs to understand when to move ahead and how fast to go. Everyone will proceed at their own pace.

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  6. Am I glad I’m at this end of life rather than starting out!!!! I just don’t know how I would feel as a young man, trying to meet girls, being so unsure of myself, not knowing the boundaries.

    But, hang on a minute, I did know the boundaries as a young man. I was taught to respect girls, and older people, I didn’t pursue girls who had rebuffed me. Sure, I was far more innocent than youngsters are now, and porn was a few black and white pictures of naked ladies with blanked out pubic areas.

    By all means be mindful of the situation that has always been there Meg, but do not overcompensate. Having spoken to many young, and not so young, ladies over the years, I have found many who have enjoyed the chase, have enjoyed being pursued, and, indeed have encouraged it. That will always be the case. There will always be those, of both sexes, who stretch the boundaries, and, sadly, those who do not recognise them.

    I am thankful that Catherine Deneuve wrote what she did, and not at all surprised that it was immediately shouted down by many. That seems to be the case nowadays, it is almost a heinous crime to have a personal opinion, and people demand that others apologise for having that opinion.

    As a certain molester, who should have been jailed, would say “SAD!”

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    1. I’m not surprised she got blasted for her comments either. I think if everyone took a minute to think and not just react they would see that she does indeed make a good point. But that isn’t how things go these days. The absurd seems to rule. I read the other day that the Prince kissing Sleeping Beauty was in fact, sexual misconduct because she wasn’t awake to give consent. Sigh…

      I guess what I’m going to do is try to portray romance without the ‘don’t take no for an answer’ approach. Which isn’t the same thing as the chase. I think a man should be able to tell the difference between genuine disinterest and just holding back. AND a woman should be clear about not giving the wrong signals. Nevertheless, I don’t want to see romance reduced to a formal agreement with two parties stating their positions before commencing the relationship! Where’s the fun in that?

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      1. This is a response to this line: ” Nevertheless, I don’t want to see romance reduced to a formal agreement with two parties stating their positions before commencing the relationship! Where’s the fun in that?”

        Maybe it’s more fun than you think…

        I realized at some point that my parents had worked out the details of their relationship by talking it over a lot… and having screaming fights. They negotiated. And after those screaming fights they ended up with a pretty formal agreement (though not written) for division of household labor and all kinds of other stuff like that.

        Assumptions are *bad*. By making everything explicit, they ended up with an unconventional relationship where they both got what they wanted… and they didn’t care what the world thought was normal. They found something that worked for them.

        I’ve always found *that* romantic. Isn’t negotiating the terms of your relationship, compromising, and jointly coming to decisions as to how to find something which works for both of you, a passionate and romantic matter?

        I read a non-fiction story about a woman who got married, moved in to a new house with her husband, had a kid, started fighting all the time, *got separated*, her husband moved out, and then their romance rekindled!…. it turned out they loved each other, they just couldn’t live in the same house! They eventually stayed married, lived happily ever after, but maintained two houses! Unconventional, passionate, and incredibly romantic!

        Part of a romance, surely, is learning each other’s quirks and figuring out how to adapt to them…. the negotiation *is* a large part of the romance. This is particularly evident in Jane Austen books (though not so much in Pride and Prejudice). In Northanger Abbey, our heroine has her heart absolutely set on living in the Abbey, and working out the real estate is a major portion of the plot. The underlying misunderstanding which must be resolved is that everyone else in the story thinks the Abbey is old and unpleasant and keeps apologizing for it and talking about selling it…

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      2. I am absolutely in favor of open communication between a couple, both in reality and in fiction. Your parents’ relationship sounds very different! And obviously it’s working for them. This is a perfect example of how every romance can develop differently – just as no one person is the same, no one relationship is the same. Everyone’s wants, needs and desires are unique and without formula. So as writers, we have a wealth of possible combinations to choose from as we write our fictional couples together. What I meant by ‘formal agreement’ is that I don’t want the magic and the excitement to be stolen from writing love stories, whether in the real world or in the imagined.

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  7. Interesting!
    I think writers would want to write about things that are real and authentic. But looking at your scenario, I think there might be a couple of caveats and before I mention them, let me preface it with the idea that I believe EVERYONE is different and sees things differently.

    The first caveat is this: The woman in your scenario feels the guy is “creepy”, that is her clue that this should not go anywhere. Now, that doesn’t mean the guy sees it that way, but I do believe that guys MUST respect the wishes that are said to them and anything less than an affirmation is a “no”.

    So, the next caveat is that I know there are women (I have family members and friends that are women that have mentioned this) that enjoy the chase of a guy and have said they enjoy giving a little interest to maintain his interest, but coyly keep things at a distance. In this scenario is the guy “creepy”, if the woman feels he is not? I would suppose not.

    But wouldn’t the romantic notion in the things that are written would include guys that understand the pursuit is okay, if she has not indicated it should stop? I think in the scenario you proposed, she indicated she is not interested – even if he caught her in the lie. Is it his responsibility to back off? Absolutely! But if a salesman keeps knocking on your door, sadly and unfortunately, a distinct and assertive “no” is warranted.

    I know it’s a sensitive subject, and I certainly hope I’ve approached it in that way…

    On a side note, I’ve never had a guy pursue me and have often wondered what it would be like….hmmm… maybe my own blog post is warranted on the subject?

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    1. You hit the nail on the head. A lot of what goes wrong is perception. Man thinks he’s being assertive, let’s say. But woman thinks he’s being ‘creepy’ – it doesn’t mean he IS a creep, but that is her perception. Nevertheless, what the woman feels should not be invalidated because he didn’t mean it that way. Who knows what she may have experienced in the past to make her feel that way? The guy does not get to decide what is an acceptable approach to romancing her. AND I would add that the same would be true if the woman was the one doing the pursuing. Men’s feelings should equally be respected. Excellent comment, my friend!

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  8. Wow, this is really creepy. I think that man has absolutely no understanding of personal space. I doubt he learnt that from a movie.
    I totally agree that movies are making relationships seems all too shallow these days. They’re becoming more unrealistic by the day. Thanks for bringing it up. I’ve actually never thought of this

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    1. Thanks Alicia! No I’m sure his behavior wasn’t learned by watching film or by reading. It just struck me how that scenario seems to be a standard format for fictional romance. I think writers might want to take it into consideration! Thank you for commenting!

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  9. Lots of interesting discussions here. I also wonder if these fictional scenarios may sometimes contribute to women not speaking up.
    Seeing in print and in movies the female being swept off her feet, finally “seeing the light” and falling madly in love my distort her view of how she should act. She may think she is the only “victim” and instead of a predator, he is just a really persistent suitor.
    I want to make it clear, I am only talking about unwelcome attention. Assault and abuse are a whole different ballgame. A crime should never be mistaken for simple clueless behavior.

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    1. Right! I used the Nora Roberts example in another comment. This scenario of the woman despising the male pursuer until finally there’s some epiphany – as in, he forces a steamy kiss on her – is a romance standard! Have we let ourselves be subtly influenced by that storyline? Does anyone remember General Hospital in the 1980’s? 😱 Luke rapes Laura and she falls in love with him! That is just horrifying when I look back on it, but at the time it was the hottest romance on TV!

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      1. Exactly! I ate that stuff up in my formative years, along with cheap romance novels and old 1940s movies. I’m glad you understood my point. I was worried some might misunderstand.

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  10. Pingback: Pursuing Romance or Romantic Interludes. – Acquiescent Soul

  11. The most interesting thing I’ve read on a topic similar to this is the attraction. If the woman in this scenario was equally attracted to the man, it would have been a romantic gesture. Because she was not, it was creepy. I think this falls in line with everyone else’s comments, but believe this is the line that romantic movies/books/stories fall into. The woman IS attracted to the persistent man (although maybe annoyed by him, etc) which is why it’s ok for him to pursue. How the other party is to read No meaning No or No meaning Pursue is something I’m glad I no longer have to figure out at this point in my life. Great topic!

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    1. Good point! In books and films, we the reader/viewer know the woman actually finds the male pursuer attractive because we are privy to her thoughts. Therefore his relentless pursuit doesn’t seem ‘off’ but in the real world, his behavior wouldn’t be acceptable if she was telling him no! Thanks so much for your thoughts, Michelle!

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  13. I do not think that the twitter feed you describe is the formula… the standard scenario… for books/tv/movies. I think if there’s a formula, it stops at “Blah, blah, conversation about the weather…” The rest of the story after that… I don’t think that’s part of what we see or read on screen or in books. At least not what I see or read. Unless it’s a story about a creepy guy, etc. But not if it’s going to turn out that the guy in question becomes “the” guy.

    I support those who have had bad things happen and I applaud them for speaking up.

    That being said, I know I’d still want a guy to approach me if he wanted to. Not to stalk me or harass me, obviously… but if he wants to meet me, say hi, make small talk, tell me how beautiful I am (LOL)… well, I’m all for that. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the guy in this situation. I think… and someone will probably attack me for this (and if so, I will not engage)… but I think in some cases, things have been taken too far. I heard a female celebrity talking about how sometimes fans crowd them to take pictures and has anyone ever touched her ass? Yes. Was it harrassment? No. It was an accident due to circumstances.

    I think if all of this results in men being afraid to approach women in any way, that’s a horrible tragedy. Men need to respect a woman’s “no”… but if she doesn’t say no, maybe she’s interested… until she’s not. So yes, she needs to be respected. But I don’t like the idea that men can’t approach women anymore. And as far as writing goes… if I wrote a guy who was a little too persistent and disrespectful to the point of becoming creepy, that’s what his character would be… a creep. That guy wouldn’t be my “leading man.”

    Maybe it’s because I write romantic cliche crap, but I don’t think any of this whole topic will impact my writing at all. It’s fiction after all.

    And for the record, I do not think the unhealthy/aggressive approach is the standard in romance novels or romantic movies at all. Not even a little bit. And if the man in my life modeled his behavior after the ‘hero’ in a romance novel/film, I’d be THRILLED. I freaking wish!!

    (Sorry for rambling on…)

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    1. No apology necessary. I would not want a man to be ‘afraid’ to approach me either (if I were available) but I do think that boundaries need to be in place. It’s the idea of a man feeling he is entitled to persist when he’s been told to back off. As if it’s his right to ignore a woman’s wishes. And there is a huge difference between flirting and exerting pressure on someone to submit to their wishes. As in I am your boss and if you expect to get ahead in this company….

      As for romance novels/romantic comedies I do think there —let’s say used to be— a formula for the man to chase the reluctant female. She’s not interested at first but he doesn’t give up. In the real world, a line needs to be drawn or else that does end up being harassment. In film we have a clue that the female lead actually does find the guy attractive so it doesn’t seem so bad. But in today’s scary world, we have to exercise caution.

      So maybe I’m dating myself with the romance novels but this scenario was ubiquitous in Nora Roberts’ novels up till recently.

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      1. I understand what you’re saying. Certainly no man should feel it’s okay to persist once he’s been told no. I think, though, there’s a difference between a woman saying “no way in hell” and a woman who’s exasperated in a you-know-she’s-going-to-end-up-with-him kind of way.

        In my vast reading library (hahaha), I can’t think of any examples where the guy took it too far and still ended up with the girl… If a guy takes it to a creepy place, it’s because he’s a creep and doesn’t turn out to be the hero. But yes… if Mr. Creepy turned out to be the hero, that’s not good. But I read cheesy love stories. 🙂

        And I don’t want a man to be afraid to approach me either. Availability notwithstanding. 😀 LOL I know… bad.

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      2. Right! So that’s where I was really going with this: that I would be mindful of the way I portray the way a man might pursue a woman. I actually did the creepy stalker story in my second novel. Pro football player who thinks every woman should fall at his feet gets obsessed with my female lead and he does all the wrong things to try and romance her. Instead he ends up stalking her and things get bad. I just never want to be ambiguous about the good and bad ways to go about winning the girl! 😜

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  14. Yes, I do think this is something that needs to be addressed. I used that romance arc in one of my books but have been doing my best to stay away from it every since. It’s not realistic when you think about it. It takes time, chance encounters, deeper conversation, several dates, and similar life experiences for people fall in love. It’s not always an immediate attraction.

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    1. Yes, exactly! I’m going to be very aware of it going forward. A romance can develop in interesting ways without being love at first sight. This will force us to be creative! Thanks for your thoughts!

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  16. There’s so much wrong with the way romance is written. It’s a fantasy that noone can truly find.
    You’ve raised an excellent point here but it goes beyond this creepy resilient man chasing what he wants.

    Romance today isn’t written creative. Maybe it never was. It gives women high expectations, men wrong expectations and does nothing bit paint a poor picture of reality.

    I love the conversation starter in this. Sadly as an old heterosexual white man I can really get involved but I love what you’ve written

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    1. That is spot on. Every year I around Valentine’s Day I repost an article I wrote called Romance Reality Check. The fantasy Hallmark and Hollywood sell us is a recipe for failure. True love, real romance is tenderness and talking, giving of oneself not elaborate gifts… poetry not pearls! Anyway, my intention is to write realism into my romances and highlight simplicity with staying power.

      You’re not old! In your 30’s by the look of your avatar photo! 🧐

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      1. I think there’s still a place for fantasy romance but it needs a grounding in realism.
        I don’t know if I’ve read your reality check… I look forward to it if not.

        I’m old enough that im in the demographic that’s to blame for most problems in the world.
        Still young enough to have fun but I know opinion doesn’t apply on many topics now

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  17. What fascinating conversations, Meg. It sounds like everyone agrees that the original scenario is creepy and not at all romantic. It seems like common sense to me about boundaries, but I’m sure there are lots of people out there who don’t pick up on the nuances. And maybe women who send mixed messages. And of course someone in a position of authority, be it a man or woman, needs to be very careful in the workplace. I’m old enough to have started working when offices had that good old boy network and women were often treated inappropriately. I’m happy to see things changing and hope I brought my boys up to be respectful men.

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    1. Thanks, Dee. Yes, I’m happy things are changing too. And maybe the men who haven’t picked up those nuances and the women who send mixed signals will be aware of their behavior. It’s educational for all of us!

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  19. This is a really good point, and one I’ve been arguing to fellow writer friends for years now. It’s so easy to assume that ‘everyone knows’ that fictional stories don’t reflect real life, but I actually dated a man who could be really sweet except when he was behaving like an overly-persistent stalker and freaked me out. Eventually I sat him down to talk about it and he confessed that, not having much personal experience, he was working off how films and tv portrayed a good boyfriend and it was heartbreaking to have to explain to him that constantly pushing past my boundaries until he got what he wanted was not acceptable. The relationship never really recovered from that, and I’m still sad for him that he just hadn’t been provided with any good role-models or guides on romantic behaviour.

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    1. Thanks for your comment! I’m afraid more than a few men have been led astray by the way fictional romances are portrayed. Even though we all ‘think’ it should be obvious when you are crossing a line! I want to make sure that the relationships I include in my work don’t reflect that theme. Ah, and I’m sorry that happened to you. But I’m glad you told him straight that he was out of line and I hope he learned a valuable lesson!

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      1. I hope he learned from it too! But I can’t really blame him – if the media we all consume keep reinforcing that this is the only way to succeed in love and a man wants to settle down and date someone successfully then of course that’s the behaviour he’ll go with! So many films and shows depict men who very properly take ‘no’ for an answer as clueless and destined to be alone forever, which is just awful!

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      3. It’s really good to see other writers talking about changing the narratives we write for others; that’s always been how society changes and it’s an important responsibility not to keep reinforcing bad ideas that don’t work the way they did twenty years ago when the world was different…

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      5. It always does! I have a housemate who keeps telling me ‘It doesn’t really matter’ whenever I worry about poor relationships being depicted as healthy and desirable and I keep wanting to scream, ‘No! It really, really MATTERS!’
        People DO base their lives off the art we give them! So we have to give them better art!

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      6. Yes! Especially with the extraordinary amount of ‘screen time’ we absorb in this modern age. For some, it’s the only ‘education’ they get on forming relationships. Sad but true!

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    2. That’s a tragic story. I hope we can stop that sort of thing from happening in the future. And I hope he got some good role models for the future.

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      1. I hope so too! It was the first time that I’d had it spelled out to me so graphically that the stories we tell over and over really do shape people and the way they relate to the world, and that it can be incredibly damaging for everyone involved.
        Sadly I just felt that once you’ve learned a man’s whole philosophy was ‘keep pushing until she stops trying to say no’, there’s no real way to come back from that…

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  21. Let’s see. How do I begin? You wrote “He’s waaay too familiar. Touches her arm. Moving closer, invading her space.” Now, this brings up the question: Just where does a person’s personal space begin. Where does anothers end? One person, regardless of sex, might be the kind of person who hugs a lot. Some people such as the celebrity Howie Mandel, who cannot stand shaking hands, asks people to knock their fist together with his. As an author currently doing a fantasy/romance story I don’t think we have to change what we do. I don’t think it sends the wrong message. Men, as do women, have to figure out what the limits are, and just how far they can go with each and every person. The limits for one person can be wildly different with another individual. Men and women have got respect those limits.

    Right now men of every occupation are being called out for some inappropriate action. I have a question. What hell happened to proof? Allegations are bad enough. Lives have been ruined and marriages destroyed. My question (a question nobody else seems to be asking), is there actual physical proof something happened, or are most these allegations a whopping big case of she said – he said. I have no doubt some of the more horrid ones did. But some people are being accused based on 20 year old allegations.

    The human being is a physical animal. Some people require more specialized training on how to properly interact with other people.True, some people will push the limits of human decency, and some will even breach those limits. But does hitting them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper really accomplish anything? Teaching is the way to go, not with public outtings and witch-hunts. And forget the element of proof. If you’re going to say something happened you better be ready to prove it.

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    1. There is one big issue with this type of misconduct and ‘proof’ – most of this kind of aggression/assault takes place in situations where the victim is alone with her assailant. How do you ’prove’ that someone groped you, touched you inappropriately or even threatened you with rape etc? It will ALWAYS be he said – she said in that case. In cases that are 20+ years old, I think these women are finally feeling courageous enough to come forward because a few had the courage to say ‘enough’. The MeToo movement is shining a light in a very dark place. It says that attitudes have to change. It says men in power can’t use their position to force women into behavior they aren’t comfortable with and it tells men that women aren’t playing hard to get when they say no. This isn’t about sexual attraction, it’s about power. These men aren’t pursuing women they want to have relationships with, they are pursuing them to degrade them and use them for their own purposes. It says to women you only get rewarded with the job, the promotion, the position if you play along. Because really all you’re really good for is sex.

      As writers we don’t have to change anything if we’re writing and portraying relationships in a healthy way. The trouble only comes when the behavior reflects that cliched ‘chase them till you win them over’ trope. As a writer who includes romance in my stories, I don’t want to contribute to the perpetuation of those attitudes. I’m happy to say that I have never written a toxic relationship into any of my books or short stories that eventually transformed into a romance.

      As for the young woman and the experience she had with this creepy guy, well frankly a person I just met randomly in a park shouldn’t be touching me at all. Or standing even close enough to touch. Things could be different if this is a stranger who my friend has just introduced me to. In that case, maybe standing close and touching an arm during conversation would be acceptable, but not some guy on the street! That young woman’s experience was frightening and I think she was lucky to get out of his way!

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  22. I think people have ZERO idea how to talk to other humans. I’m displaying my age, but I really do think it has to do with the constant connection of “social” media. It’s easy to comment. It’s difficult to communicate.
    Maybe they should start teaching classes in elementary schools on how to read social cues. I think most people have problems with this.

    As far as writing romance in the #metoo era? If people don’t know how to have a proper social interaction, they won’t know how to write one either. If someone’s idea of romance is to continually harass someone until they sleep with you, you should really question your methods.

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    1. I agree! Social media has made communication trivial, has reduced conversation to text speak and emojis. And dating has been reduced to that same format with all the online services that allow you to ‘wave’ hello to continue or swipe left to dismiss. I suppose to a certain extent, writers will need to take those things into consideration when writing modern relationships, but to perpetuate the outdated and cliched ‘pursue them till you wear them down’ trope has got to go. Why can’t a healthy relationship develop within the fictional story as the characters work together to overcome the adversity, for example? That’s not only realistic but its also still exciting to read!

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      2. I’m not familiar with her novels. But if she uses that sort of setup (in which the characters form a bond as they overcome adversity) that’s the kind of relationship development I prefer in a story!

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  23. Timely post for me to read and enjoy whilst writing a romantic manuscript for a deadline in August…
    With the life-changing rules about coercive control being passed (in the UK recently) it means our plot opportunities for persistent wooing will need careful and sensitive handling.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts x

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    1. Thank you Viola, appreciate your comments! Yes, we have to think it through carefully before committing it to paper. As writers it keeps us on our toes and perhaps makes us think in totally new ways – that’s a win, in my opinion!

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      1. Most definitely.. but I’m relieved that following a meeting yesterday with the Romantic Novelists Association, I was encouraged to go ahead and write the dark bits anyway if they were part of the story..
        I will however keep in mind categorisation .. as I don’t wish to brush all people with the same brush.. if you get me 🙈🤗

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      2. We do have one advantage as writers: we can show the inner thoughts of the one being romantically pursued. If the feelings are mutual, then the persistence of the pursuer is softened in the eyes of the reader! But you are right – we can’t paint the same picture over and over again, either!

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  24. I’m usually not a big fan of the meet-cute moments at the beginning of romantic comedies or novels. Sometimes, if both characters seem 100% onboard for starting a relationship of some sort after meeting for the first time, I’ll look past it. I know it’s a story. But for myself, I prefer not to write that way.

    Friends-to-lovers is one of my favorite tropes, so I tend to lean in the direction of the hero and heroine either already know each other, or have connections in common who introduce them to one another. I find it makes the progression more authentic in that way. Most love stories in real life involve being introduced by a friend, having known the person for a while before deciding to date, or meeting in a work/class setting. Now, even online dating is very common which still involves knowing the person beforehand.

    It’s very rare to just bump into someone while running and have them grow heart eyes for you and stalk you until you finally agree to go out with them lol. It’s also not the pursuing I would enjoy and is a big reason I grew out of most romantic comedies.

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    1. Yes, I agree! That’s the way I’ve been writing most of my relationships as well: childhood friends meeting again as adults, or friends of friends – that sort of thing. It is far more realistic and just as romantic to read or watch unfold. Thanks for your comments!

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  25. Pingback: Writing romance in the #MeToo era — Meg Sorick, Author | BisweswarSen

  26. I cringe now when I read a romance novel with an overbearing, relentless “alpha male” protagonist. I think a lot of romance writers are changing their tactics and writing stories with more sane (but still sexy!) male protagonists. Those are the ones I enjoy reading.

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  27. Pingback: Writing romance in the #MeToo era — Meg Sorick, Author – The Merry Writer

  28. People have to be able to meet strangers, obviously. But one thing I learned from day one as a child of hippies in the 1980s is, you don’t ask “Are you single?”. Do you know how many dozens of bad assumptions that makes? (It assumes availability of all single women to dating and to dating men and to dating strangers, “ownership” of a woman by a man, monogamy, etc.) It’s absurd that there are men who still don’t know this, and I agree that bad romances and bad rom-coms are spreading the bad behavior.

    Let’s change this scenario and suppose the man, instead of moving aggressively close and asking an inappropriate question, said — after talking about work, or hobbies, or something — “I don’t know that many people in this neighborhood. Would you be interested in hanging out some time? Do you know a good coffee shop?” (And if she says no, that’s the end.)

    Now we have an OK scenario, I think. No pushiness, a reasonable respect for boundaries, and somewhere where you can start a storyline, with the coffeeshop meeting…

    The only romance scenarios which don’t distress me are ones where the couple are friends first.

    But I really love the meet-a-stranger, become-friends storyline. I’m a sucker for what I can only call the romance involved in that (even when they *stay* “just” friends). It’s not usually handled well in literature, but it is sometimes. I’m trying to think of some of the scenarios where the story is the development of an intense friendship, but they’re so rare even in *children’s books* that I’m having trouble. His Dark Materials, I guess?

    I like the concept of the meet-cute, and really good rom-coms do it well, but they’re so rare. There’s one I’m trying to remember the name of where the first zany meet-cute in the movie *ends up as a platonic friendship*, which should be done way more often, and the actual romantic interest ends up being someone she’s introduced to by the friend she met in the meet-cute.

    I practically never watch rom-coms because of the sexism and creepy tropes, with really gross male leads who are nasty people and women who are basically romanticizing being abused. Which is a pity because I actually love romantic comedies; it’s just so hard to filter for ones which show respectful, healthy relationships. I did watch Mad About You quite a lot…

    A trope which has been really close to my personal experience is the ancient trope of two people with suppressed erotic feelings for each other who pursue a friendship, but must both avoid anything sexual for some reason of propriety. Sometimes this changes later, sometimes it doesn’t. Jane Austen’s _Persuasion_ is actually surprisingly modern in this regard. Frederick Wentworth was turned down by Anne Elliot (due to the aforementioned persuasion), and as a result he feels obligated NOT to pursue her. Which is, of course, correct. Because it’s the Victorian era, she also feels obligated not to ask him (which is, of course, incorrect, but there you go). He behaves as a friend for essentially the whole book, as he should. He finally writes a letter asking her again… and then I notice upon checking that Austen elides the actual conversation in which they straighten everything out (simply writing that they do so), which is unfortunate, since I would have liked to see the details of that!

    I haven’t read most modern romances specifically *because* I’ve been trying to avoid the creepy and sexist tropes. After reading this article:
    https://wearyourvoicemag.com/more/culture/romance-novels-metoo

    … I think I’m going to try some of the books on this list.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I believe that romance can be written with creativity and sensitivity and can be just as engaging without the ‘chance encounter’ type of setup. As you mentioned it is really interesting to read/watch the way romance was portrayed over the years (even the centuries) from extreme patriarchy to the modern era in which women have an equal share in how the relationship proceeds. I avoid the creepy tropes myself both in my reading and my writing. Thank you for the link to the other article – I’ll check it out. 🙂

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  29. Agree. This has been one of the ways romance was portrayed across languages. May be, because it was more exciting when romantic pursuit was difficult compared to a romantic situation which was mundane and drab. 🙂 As you pointed out, it’s high time we stop glorifying it and focus on intelligent and realistic relationships that are founded on mutual respect. But, at the same time it shouldn’t stop writers from writing on dysfunctional people and relationships as that’s also a truth of life. Just that the perspective of right and wrong in the narrative has to be established cautiously and responsibly.

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    1. Yes, I agree. We can write dysfunction into our stories – they just need to be defined the right way. And aren’t most of us a little dysfunctional? 😯 Nevertheless, dysfuntional people can work it out in different and (for the writer) creative ways! Thanks so much for your comments. 🙏

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    1. Thank you, Vinnie. It certainly sparked a lot of discussion. I completely agree – romance can’t be one sided and it can’t be boxed into a single format. Every couple will form their relationship in a unique way!

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  32. Really interesting post! Romance as portrayed in books and films is idealised and that’s probably why we like it; it’s an escape from our ordinary, mundane lives. With the girl in your story, for instance, in a film there would be soft music in the background building to a delicate crescendo as the guy makes a second, clumsy attempt at getting the girl, we all smile ruefully at his gaucheness and no-one would feel uncomfortable or think that it was creepy. If you have a single romantic bone in your body you’ll go for the film version of the event every day of the week and twice on Sundays, why? Because it’s the better version, the hopeful version, the way that we would all like life to be….if we try to make films more like real life aren’t we risking blocking our route to escapism? Thanks once again for a really thought provoking post :O)

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    1. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and thanks for commenting. On your point that fictional romance should provide escapism and be an ideal version fo itself – I agree. However, I don’t think it should reinforce the kinds of behaviors that in real life would be considered inappropriate. Of course we all cheer for the underdog as he clumsily woos the girl of his dreams, but does that include following her, asking personal questions about where she lives and works, touching and or invading her personal space, etc. as in the situation with the young woman in the example I related? She was scared, not just uncomfortable. What does it say about us if all it takes to “idealize” stalker behavior is adding the right soundtrack? And that is exactly the point of my post – fictional romance writers, whether for print or screen, need to think about what kind of behaviors we are reinforcing with our work. I am convinced that creative minds will find a way to portray healthy romances without removing the escapist aspect of the writing! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!

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      1. I think the personal fears of individuals are impossible to reflect; the girl you write about was scared but another woman may not have given it a second thought and just been flattered (inadvisably or otherwise). But as you say I’m sure you’ll find a way 😉

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  33. Pingback: Writing and Self Censorship – Meg Sorick, Author

  34. When I was writing my first novel, and found there was going to be dysfunctional courtship/mating conduct in it, as a retired Registered Nurse, I knew it was time to “hit the books” (my psychology textbooks) to review the kinds of psychiatric history that can be behind issues with bonding behavior.

    Novels are supposed to be about change in personality and motivation, and the character who changes the most (that is, in both aspects) is the most “heroic” one. Although I was the author, I was startled at how that evolved in the book, but the story must have come out “right,” because of the kind of feedback I received about character development: from “Every time Character Y popped up, I shouted, ‘NO! Go away!’,” and “I’m on ‘Team X,’ not on ‘Team Y’,” to “I’ve changed my mind about Character Y.” My readers and I developed empathy for Character Y: we still didn’t like how that character had behaved, but at least we understood why those choices were made. “Heroic” changes had occurred, and we had responded to them.

    I think the bottom line is: everybody’s got baggage, and as novelists, we need to get the right labels attached to it, to get our characters and their story to their intended destination.

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    1. Absolutely. I agree. Every relationship will have its rough patches and every character will have their flaws. We can help them grow or we can let them fail. The responsible thing to do is expose flaws and unhealthy relationships for what they are. Even if it takes half the novel to do it!

      One of the best compliments a writer can get is to have their readers invested in their characters like yours did! That is fabulous! Thanks for your thoughts, Christine! 🙂

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